A Grammatically Correct Letter to the Millennial Generation from Generation X

Dear Millennial Generation,

Before you cute little goofballs were born, we had this thing called “the written word.” It was what we used to transcribe our speech to each other in the form of letters, notes, books, magazines, and newspapers. Back then we also had archaic land-line telephones with which we could speak to each other, but these were simple devices and caused very little drama. Still, somehow we managed to prevent blowing ourselves up with nuclear weapons even though we had to wait until we got home to check messages, which back then were recorded on some kind of primitive analog magnetic tape.

Now, I know you know what the written word is, I’m just being sarcastic. What amazes me about your generation is despite the fact the internet was completely built on text (look up HyperText on your iPhone WikiPedia app), and despite the fact you grew up using said internet, you’ve still somehow managed to completely assfuck your understanding of the English language. You’d think looking at written text all day would help you osmose even the most simplistic uses of your native language, but I guess you’ve been too busy yapping on your phones, sharing YouTube videos, and showing your tits to the camera at drunken college parties while you try not to spill cheap beer out of your red Solo cup.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like your generation hasn’t brought great things into the world. We can now communicate with each other from anywhere, and when that doesn’t work we can always send text messages (that’s what we called it before you monosyllabic idiots changed “text” into a verb). We now have more reality television than ever before, hundreds of channels from which to guzzle your bland middle-class sustenance, and you’ve become so blinded by the digital age that the Disney corporation has convinced 10-year-old girls that wearing miniskirts and high heels is popular. Thanks to universal access to the internet, you almost don’t even have to think anymore! Your dependence on technology has reached such astronomical proportions that when the electromagnetic pulse wipes out all of Earth’s telecommunications and plunges humanity into a worldwide apocalypse, you’ll easily be the first wave to transform into mouth-breathing brain-eating zombies. With the exception of the dead flesh, you’re pretty much there already.

Yes, your generation is truly destined for great things. Nobody is really sure what those great things are yet, because whatever they are they can’t be downloaded like a fucking ringtone. You kind of have to work hard to achieve something in life, and standing outside the studio for 17 days to audition for American Idol doesn’t really qualify as hard work. Now before you get your panties in a wad and start jumping down my throat for lumping you all into one category and generalizing your generation’s sad plight, understand this is a letter that attacks your use of grammar and I’m just using it as a platform to spit out a few additional insults. Deal with it. This is known as “seeing the big picture,” which is sometimes what you see when you pull out your earbuds and look away from your 2-inch video screen.

On that note, let’s cover the most common grammatical fuckups you’ve incepted into our once-beautiful language. I’d like to remind you that, although most people learned these rules in elementary school, you can still learn them yourself! The great thing about learning is once you’ve learned something, you never have to learn it again! I know learning can be difficult, especially now that you’re adults who can’t even grasp what most of us learned in 3rd grade, I just hope this guide will somehow help you.

1. You’re vs. Your

This is #1 on the list for the simple reason of being the most commonly misspelled word ever while simultaneously being the easiest to learn. Many scientists and philosophers aren’t sure why this rascally little grammatical error continues to wipe its grubby hands on society’s pants, but most of those scientists and philosophers killed themselves when they realized what a lost cause it had become. Since I’m not quite to the suicidal stage, let me explain it to you one more time:

“your” is possessive, as in “alcohol is killing your brain cells.”

“you’re” is a contraction of two words: you and are, as in “you’re an idiot.”

So before you write that next Facebook comment, all you have do is take five brief seconds to think about the words you’re about to write. If the sentence “you are an idiot” makes sense, then the usage is “you’re.” If not, it’s the other one. See how easy that is? Since I know 90% of you don’t, go ahead and consider that last question rhetorical.

2. There vs. Their vs. They’re

Our language can be tricky and confusing at times, what with all the words that sound the same but are spelled differently. I suppose that’s why we try to teach it at such a young age, but I’m not from your generation so I don’t really know the harrowing decision making process you went through when trying to decide whether to learn English or watch Hannah Montana. Because I’m a forgiver, I will explain this one again too:

“there” is a versatile descriptor word that means “in or at that place,” as in “the school is over there.”

“their” is possessive (like your), as in “their books are in the library.”

“they’re” is a contraction (like you’re) of two words: they and are, as in “they’re so stupid.”

You can use the exercise we practiced above to see if you’ve chosen the correct usage, or you can just continue to post your Flickr comments without giving a fuck.

3. It’s not “should of,” it’s “should HAVE.”

This is one of those problems that occurs when kids who grew up with cell phones and MTV try to translate their speech into text. I understand when spoken aloud the words “should have” can sound like the words “should of.” But does it make sense grammatically? I’ll help you out - no, it doesn’t.

“I should of read my English book.” Seriously, how does “of” belong in that sentence? More importantly, what sort of impression will you to make to your boss, potential employer, college interviewer, or court-appointed psychiatrist when you think that’s the correct usage? Have you even thought that far ahead, or were you expecting to submit your resume in 140-character bursts?

4. A sentence consists of a subject and predicate.

In basic terms, someone or something (the subject) does something (the predicate). “You suck” is not a complete sentence because “you” is actually part of the predicate. The full sentence would be “I think you suck,” where “I” is the subject and “thinking you suck” is the action happening. I know it seems so simple it’s almost unfathomable how anyone could get it wrong, but there we are. I won’t even begin to touch on punctuation.

While I could go on about how many of you can’t (or at least refuse to) construct a complete sentence, this sort of misuse of English will never go away. There is a deeper problem here, and that is the problem of people who need psychological validation by shouting their opinions to the world. Here’s a simple rule to follow: if your comment consists of three or fewer words, just don’t say it. It won’t harm anyone if you do, but it gives you the false impression that you’ve made some sort of contribution to the world and took a stand for or against something when all you’ve really done is shown everyone you’re a full grown adult who can’t even write a complete fucking sentence.

5. “LOL” does not mean “I think what I just said was funny.”

Covering the follies of “lol” could literally take up an entire book, so I wanted to use this opportunity to mention one thing. When you end a sentence with “lol” all you’re really saying is “I think what I just said is funny.” For example, “I texted the answers to myself so I wouldn’t have to learn anything, lol!”

Here’s a tip: if you can’t write something funny using actual words, either A. it’s not funny, or B. you can’t write. Stop using “lol” as a shortcut for your inability to say something intelligent. It just exposes your true colors to those of us whose brains haven’t become liquefied from inactivity.

This list could go on forever, but it’s not my job to fill in the gaps in your education you could have filled in yourself if you weren’t so busy being bored with life and complaining about how your barista didn’t put enough foamed milk in your $8 cup of coffee. Never in the history of the world has so much technology and information been afforded the human race, nor has any generation squandered it as much as you have. Truly you are a shining example of how, given enough convenience, mankind would probably just choose sit on the couch all day eating McDonald’s.

For those of you who made it this far through my letter or found it the slightest bit useful, you probably wish to avoid a future such as the one I just described. If so, you can change these horrid trends by affecting a change in yourself. Start by learning how to fucking spell.

yours truly,
Generation X